Tired Of Thinking On What We Could Be
by rycewritestrash
Summary: Clarke's heart stopped belonging to her a long time ago, if it was ever hers to begin with. She's beginning to think no life is ever truly owned by the person actually living it, no matter how hard we fight to control what happens to it. Clarke's death isn't something that happened to her-It happened to everyone else. (Season6 - Post-Episode 10 - Love Confessions - Feels- OneShot)


Clarke's heart stopped belonging to her a long time ago, if it was ever hers to begin with. She's beginning to think no life is ever truly owned by the person actually living it, no matter how hard we fight to control what happens to it.

Independence is a delusion.

Because when it's all said and done, when the air stops filling the lungs and the heart stops pumping the blood-

When the consciousness ceases to exist, the sleeping don't miss the wakeful and the dead don't grieve the living

Clarke's death isn't something that happened to _her_-It happened to everyone else.

It may not be the first time she's gotten lost finding her way back home, but it's the only time she's ever considered that the cost of her life is a far higher price than she ever thought it was worth.

"I can't afford to lose you again, Clarke." His voice breaks every time he says her name, like he can't stop thinking it could be the last she hears it.

He hasn't left her side since she came back to him. She's not sure how long it's been. The hours feel like days.

She must say the last part out loud, because he snorts in response, a broken and bitter laugh crawls up his throat. "Yeah, try losing your-" He hesitates, tugging at his ear. "Try losing your _best friend_ for the second time this week."

She blinks up at him, where he lingers beside the bed, watching over her, like he always has been. She wishes she wouldn't get hung up on what he really wanted to say, what she could truly be to him if time quit escaping them.

"Every minute without you felt-it _feels_ like years." He glances away, chewing his lip. "If grief was measured in time, I'd be immortal."

Her eyes squeeze shut. His palm is quick to cup her cheek, catching the tears with his thumb.

"Thank you," she chokes out, blinking up at him. "For not letting me go." He stills, eyes wide. She smiles wryly . "I'm sorry for being so hard to hold onto."

"You heard me," he whispers, disbelief coloring his features.

She nods, swallowing hard. Her heartbeat picks up erratically and she's almost afraid he can hear her too, that she's become tethered to him inextricably so .

The heart and the head.

"I-I didn't know if you could hear me. I was so scared you would die without knowing how much I needed you to stay." His chin trembles and she reaches out to comfort him as he is with her. His face turns into her palm, lips pressing into her skin.

"I know, Bellamy," she says, soft, hoping she doesn't look as forlorn as she sounds.

He leans closer and her breath hitches, eyes flickering between his hooded ones. His thumb traces the outline of her jaw, resting just below her mouth. She gasps for air and his eyes drop to her lips.

"Not everything," he confesses, nose brushing against her own. Warmth floods her body, desire pooling in her belly, despite the ache in her ribs.

"The timing's never been right," she says, fluttering her lashes below his. "It still isn't."

She's never been this close to him, not consciously .

His lips brush hers when he speaks. "Screw time. I'm done letting it control me, who I get to be, or who I _love_."

"Bell-"

"_Hear me_, princess. There's no amount of it that could ever make me forget what you mean to me. Believe me, I tried it before. It took becoming a different person, someone I couldn't recognize to convince myself otherwise. And losing you again to put the pieces back together the way they should be."

His face is wet, with her sobs or his own, she can't tell anymore.

"It won't be easy," she mumbles. "I seem to have a bad habit of leaving you, even when I don't mean to." Her hands find their way into his hair as his trail down her collarbone. "Promise you'll always wait for me."

He nudges her chin up. "I told you. I'm not letting you go. I'll follow you anywhere . . . _Clarke_," he urges, her name on his lips sounding a lot like, _I love you._

The dam breaks, pulling her into him, closer than she's ever been. His tongue slips past her lips twisting with hers. It's love, it's hope-it's that first gulp of air after being suffocated by the feelings left unsaid for so long.

It's the only thing that makes sense after everything they've been through.

Time ceases to exist.


End file.
